Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Jared is finally home! It feels like a lot longer than a week that he was gone. He missed a lot in the last week. I love how the kids are so excited to see him, and him them, after an absence. I know the old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" but i've never really pondered why that is. I guess we take the familiar and everyday things for granted and when they aren't there we realize how much we really love those things. So, my pondering today has been about how to make the everyday things special EVERY day. Instead of folding the laundry and doing the dishes while the kids were occupied with a movie, I sat with them and held Little Lou and laughed at the movie with them. I took a few minutes to watch the chicks- which aren't really chicks anymore- play in their new outdoor pen and just enjoyed watching them. I don't want to look back in five years and wish that I had enjoyed this time with my kids more. I want to enjoy every moment with them, even the bad ones! They too will pass!

Community Softball

Sunshine and T-bug played their first softball games tonight. I love gathering with the community at the ball fields to cheer on our little kids who don't know which base to run to or where to throw the ball. We cheer as if they are pro's- and to us they are. Just watching my girls swing the bat, whether it connects or not, gives me a sense of pride. And living in a community where I know that everyone else is going to cheer them on no matter how well they do also makes me proud. I am proud of the people who live in this little corner of heaven for making it a safe place for our kids. It's a safe place for them to learn, to fail, to succeed, to grow. I feel very connected to this place that we have chosen to raise our kids in and I am grateful for the members of the community who make it possible to feel that way.

Vacation Blues

We spent Memorial Day weekend at my mom's house. It was a nice break from being alone with the kids- two more days until Jared gets home- and I got to see some family that I don't see very often. It really was a fun trip, but there is always some excitment when traveling with kids. This time, it was sleeping. My kids are relatively good sleepers. I am a very heavy sleeper and I don't wake up easy, or happy, so my kids learn real quick that it better be pretty important to wake mom up in the middle of the night. Sleeping at Grandma's house has not been a problem in the past but this time I let them have a little more say in where they slept. It all went downhill from there. T-bug wanted the couch because she has never gotten to sleep on the couch before. I was fine with that but Little Lou wasn't because that put her alone in the room that she and T-bug usually shared. So after much heart wrenching tantruming- I don't know if that's a word- she ended up on the floor in a room with Sunshine. Superman chose to sleep upstairs and thus avoided the drama that ensued- smart man already! Everyone went to bed happy, but T-bug woke me up at two thirty in the morning crying because she was scared and didn't want to be out there all alone. It took awhile to get her settled back down and me back to sleep. First night down, not too bad but not great.

Second night: T-bug throws a fit that she is not allowed to sleep on the couch again and doesn't want to be in the bedroom alone. Little Lou wants to sleep on the floor in the room with Sunshine again, but Sunshine isn't happy about that because Little Lou made too much noise breathing during the night. I put my foot down and let Little Lou sleep where she was and made T-bug sleep in the bedroom. Four hours later T-bug is still crying and has worked herself up into a state of hysteria. She wakes me up every half hour to tell me that she heard a noise and why can't we move Little Lou, who is sleeping soundly and breathing loudly, into the bedroom with her. Sunshine gets woken up and comes out to complain about the noise. One thirty in the morning finds me very tired and unhappy with my little T-bug. Thankfully she settles down around two and we get a little bit of sleep.

During breakfast the next morning T-bug yawns and looks at me sweetly and says "Mom, I slept good last night." Given my temperment at the time, she is lucky I brought her home with me! It may be awhile before we go anywhere overnight again!

One of the hard things about foster parenting is seeing all of the crap that kids have to go through because of the lousy choices their parents make. I struggle with the system being so careful of protecting the parents rights but not as vigilant when it comes to what is best for the kids. I know the issue can be debated endlessly and a lot of it just depends on which side you are looking at it from, but today, from my point of view, I see kids getting abused and bounced around from home to home because mom and/or dad just won't, or can't, do what it takes to make a good home for them, and the state supporting the parents instead of the kids. These kids will live with the effects of their parents choices for the rest of their lives. My small effort in changing the lives of a few of these kids seems miniscule compared to what needs to be done. But I am so lucky to be a part of it- I sure do love my kids!

Last Day of School!

I have been dreading the end of school this year. With four active kids to keep busy and keep up on school work with, I haven't been very excited. But, a couple of days ago when Little Lou said to me in a frustrated tone of voice that "it's going to be a long summer" I realized that I had said that a few too many times and I needed to change my attitude. Spending time with my kids should be some of the happiest times for me. Sometimes the special needs of some of my kids wear me out and I don't enjoy being with them, but I know that a lot of that is about my attitude and expectations and those are things that I can adjust. So I decided to start the summer off with some fun. I found this idea on the fun blog My Mix of Six. I made an end of the school basket for each kid with some fun things for the summer. Water bottles, flip flops, butterfly nets, lemonade... and a note from me telling each of them how proud I am of how much they accomplished this school year. They loved it and it was nice for them to have something fun for the first afternoon they were home. Dinner at Arctic Circle (Jared is still out of town so I can get away with that!) and s'mores at the neighbors house tonight made the day really fun. And I am excited to have eight weeks of summer fun with my kids.

Foster Parenting

Jared and I have been foster parents for three and a half years. We adopted T-bug two and half years ago. We have only had five other kids with us, including Superman and Little Lou who we currently have and hope to permanently have by the end of the year. So, only three kids so far that I have had to let go. I am not a good foster parent, I like to think that I am a good parent, but not so great as a foster parent. The focus that the state wants a foster parent to have is how to support parent and child towards a successful reunification. My focus tends more towards how to keep the child mine! Fostering is definately the hardest thing that I have ever done- even harder than the week I went with no sugar. The emotional turmoil is difficult for me, but helping my children deal with it, and helping the foster kids cope with all of the loss and anxiety that they are feeling-- some days I feel like I'm barely managing. We have had Superman and Little Lou for fifteen months now and they are both very settled and dealing better with their emotions every day, at least as well as a four and seven year old can. It is difficult for us to not know their future, but it's impossible for me to imagine their feelings of uncertainty and anxiety about their future. Little Lou doesn't really understand enough to know what the situation is, but Superman knows and asks occasionally if he is going to get to stay with us forever. We can't give him a satisfactory answer yet. Hopefully soon we will be able to. And although it is the hardest thing that I have ever done, it is also the most fullfilling thing that I have ever done. A chocolate chip cookie might taste good in the moment- and there were a lot of moments that week I would have REALLY enjoyed one!- but the first time a little boy says "I love you" and calls me mommy, or a little girl holds my cheeks and kisses my face are the moments that I will enjoy for the rest of my life.

Biking

I bought myself a bike. A cruiser with a granny seat and wide handle bars. I love it! I kind of feel like the witch in the Wizard of Oz when I am riding around town on it, though. Little Lou learned how to ride a two wheeler this Spring and it is so much fun to go for family bike rides and not have to yell over the noise of training wheels. This morning I had a couple of hours to myself and decided to go for a long ride alone. Jared left for Arizona this morning and will be gone for eight days, so I thought I would take advantage of a little alone time since it will be awhile before I get some again. The weather was perfect, a little overcast and cool, but not cold. I love the feel of the breeze and the smell of Spring. I love being able to ride without worrying who is on the wrong side of the road and who is too far ahead or too far behind. It was very rejuvinating. I went about four miles and I was tired! But, something about bike rides, or walks, by myself makes me ponder my life and the choices I have made, or have yet to make, and it's almost like meditating for me. The physical movement makes my brain more active and I always start to contemplate the direction of my life. Sometimes it is very therapeutic- sometimes depressing! Today was therapeutic. I needed a good think. I spent a few minutes on pinterst while I was waiting for Little Lou to be picked up and it really depressed me. I read some blogs about moms that do everything and looked at their fun summer plans for their kids and felt like the worst mom ever because I am dreading summer and trying to keep my kids entertained. I even e-mailed T's teacher and asked about summer school options! I didn't make fancy teacher thank you gifts and I don't have lists of activities for my kids to choose from each day all summer. I didn't create end of school baskets for each one of them to celebrate their accomplishments this school year. I didn't do their hair before they went to school today, or check if their clothes matched, and I didn't make them their own year books to take on the last day of school for all of their friends to sign. I didn't even make breakfast this morning- I left them to face the sugar and preservative breakfast served at school, and I got them there late. So in this frame of mind, I went for a bike ride. I know what you're thinking- I should spent less time on pinterest and bike riding and more time doing all those things I didn't do. I have decided that less time on pinterest might be good for my mental health. But while cruising around the neighborhood admiring all the beautiful flowers and breathing all that fresh air, I decided that I am ok. My mom read me a quote the other day that talked about doing the important things and I have thought about it a lot since then. What are the important things? Am I doing them? Maybe less time worrying about how organized my summer is and how cute my teacher thank you gifts are is in order. The important thing is that my kids teachers know how much I appreciate them and all that they have done for my kids this year- not how original and crafty my presentation is. And maybe instead of worrying about how to entertain my kids this summer I should focus on all the ways I am going to enjoy my kids this summer. Relax and let the breeze blow through my hair a little more often. Make sure that my kids know how much I love them and love being with them. That's definately one of the more important things. And while I'm cruising around town on my granny bike with my kids this summer I can concentrate on exuding Glinda the Good vibes instead of wicked witch vibes!