Moments

I am grateful for the moments of joy with my kids. Sometimes they are few and far between, but I have learned to cherish them when they come. I need them to balance out the rest of the time! A few recent moments:
Halloween night was warm and we walked about two miles trick or treating to all of our neighbors. The kids were having a great time, it was nice to be outside, and I loved watching them have so much fun.
We covered the kitchen table with paper and the kids painted. It was snowing outside and the kitchen was warm and the kids were enjoying each other and were so excited about what they were painting.
Superman bore his testimony in Sacrament meeing and said, "I know that my family loves me, and I love them." It was the same thing every other kid said, but I knew at that moment that he did know that, and that he does love us, and it made my heart ache with the joy and love I felt.
All of my kids were in the primary program this year, so I sat by myself for the first time ever. As they stood and sang, "families can be together forever," I cried and cried, so grateful that Heavenly Father has given me a family to be with, here on earth and in eternity.
I spent some time with Sunshine making her a CD of her favorite songs. She spent the next two days memorizing every one of them and singing everywhere she went. I smile everytime she sings!

Growing Up...Slowly

I thought growing up would be different. I thought that I would know stuff and be mature about things and know how to handle social situations that are tricky. I thought that I would have all the answers for my kids and that it would be easy to handle all the roles I would take on; mother, wife, friend, neighbor, homemaker....
I read blogs written by women who seem to have it all together. They blog about the revelations they recieve teaching them how to organize their cleaning schedule, the fun crafts they do with their kids in between meals and cleaning and running kids to and from different activities, the amazing gourmet meals and monthly menus that they consistently create, and of course the decorating and crafting that make their homes gorgeous and organized and, with the new cleaning schedule, clean.
I, on the other hand, have resolved to stop reading blogs. Except for the rants that I publish myself, I don't need that kind of encouragement!
Are these women for real, or do they just fake it online? Because I cannot figure out they grew up so well. How did they become such good adults? How did they figure life out and master it so completely, when I seem to flounder at every task?
So, I have decided to redefine adulthood. Adulthood is no longer the period of time in your life when you have mastered yourself and become who you always knew you would be. Instead, adulthood is the period of time when you learn how to improvise really well and continue your search for identity in a more hands on enviornment, all the while pretending to those around you that you know exactly who you are and what you are doing!
I have a feeling everyone else figured this out long before I did. And someone probably already blogged about it!

Brooding

We have a broody hen. Her desire to hatch eggs is stronger than her desire to do anything else. She goes out to eat and drink occasionally, but we have only seen her out twice in the past two weeks. She doesn't lay any eggs while she is brooding,so she is sitting on the other hens eggs, carefully tucking them underneath her and keeping them warm and safe. She gets extremely upset if we get too close to her. She is a very good little hen, diligently tending her little flock of eggs.

We do not have a rooster in the chicken coop, making her efforts fruitless. Apparently, chickens do not know the difference between fertilized eggs and those that will just rot underneath them in the summer heat. The instinct to be a mother is so strong that she will just sit for around three weeks, protecting the unfertilized eggs. Maybe she dreams of little yellow fuzz balls following her around the coop while the other hens look on jealously-- or maybe her hormones just make her want to sit and protect the eggs without really knowing the outcome. I'm sure somebody, somewhere is studying the chicken brain to understand more of how they think! But while they're trying to figure it out, my hen is sitting.

The research I have done on brooding hens-- since I don't really know anything about chickens, all my information comes from the internet!-- says that she will sit for about three weeks and then give up. But the other hens may see her sitting and decide that that's the cool thing to do and follow suit, which could cause egg production to drop significantly. Meanwhile, I will feed and water the hens that are sitting around doing nothing but being hormonal. But, the other option is to serve the hen for Sunday dinner. So, we are letting her sit.

Thinking about this hen, and worrying about rotting eggs and a coop full of sitting hens, has made me think about the instinct all species have to reproduce. Well, okay, I haven't been thinking about all species so much, mostly just my species! Human females get broody. The desire to find a reproductive partner and get busy is about the only thing that was discussed in my college apartments. And after the first one in a group of friends has a baby, eveyone else starts to want one. Just seeing a baby tends to make a girl broody!

I have sympathy for my hen, I think because I can compare myself to her. I have spent many years brooding- living with the desire to bring a new life into the world, and not being able to make it happen despite my best efforts. I understand her desire to try, to believe that a miracle could happen. I understand her hope, and her frustration when the eggs are stolen from her. Maybe I am attributing too much feeling and emotion to the hen-- okay, I know I am! But, sometimes its nice to know that someone understands.

Settling

We just celebrated the fourth anniversary of buying our house, and although this was not our first house, it is the longest that we have lived in one place our whole marriage, and the first house that we have loved and worked hard to make our own. I haven't felt connected to a place since we got married. My parents still live in the same house they lived in when I was born. Their community is small and close and it was a great place to grow up, but I always pictured myself leaving and never wanted to settle there with my family. I never pictured myself settling anywhere. The word 'settled' makes me uneasy, like I would have to grow up and act like an adult, which I have never pictured myself doing, either! But, as I realized this house anniversary had passed, I also realized that adulthood has snuck up on me and that I might have a few small roots growing into the soil of my little town.

Waffle-ing

When I was a kid, the only time I ever saw my dad in the kitchen doing anything other than eating was on Sunday morning. My parents are very traditional-- dad makes the money and does the "man" things, mom takes care of the house and kids and does the "woman" things. I actually really love both of them for raising us like that and think the world could use a little more traditional-- not too much, though. I really like it when Jared does dishes and helps out with the kids!

Anyway, Sunday mornings were the exception. Dad would whip up the most amazing homemade waffles. Not Bisquick, my friends. Waffles from scratch-- eggs and milk and flour, he even whipped the egg whites so they were fluffy before carefully folding them into the batter. Topped with scrambled eggs and homemade maple syrup, they were heaven! One of my favorite memories from childhood is walking up the stairs in the morning to the scent of waffles cooking. Of course, most of my childhood memories revolve around food, which may be why I have some food issues, wear size 12 jeans, associate brownies with love, crave carbs when I'm stressed,... well, that's a whole different post.

This is a tradition that I wanted to carry on in my family (not the food issues, the Sunday waffles!). When there were only three of us it was kind of anti-climatic because Jared doesn't really like waffles and Sunshine didn't really care. But two years ago we had three foster kids come to stay with us and they loved waffles, so I bribed them to be good in church with waffles! Everyone who was good got waffles when we got home. And since then I have continued on with waffle Sundays.

Two Sundays ago, after eating one waffle, Superman says to me, "I need something healthy to eat. Do we have any salad?"

I was stunned into silence! I'm sure my mouth was hanging open in disbelief. Sunshine follows him up with, "Ya, salad sounds good. We should eat salad instead of waffles. We could have Sunday salads."

I couldn't speak through the tears. Who are these kids? Sunshine is genetically mine, but obviously her father's genes are stronger. We used to bribe Superman to eat vegetables-- any vegetables-- with dessert. As in, "you can have a brownie for each bite you take"! That day he ate two bowls of salad and then asked for some carrots. T-bug and little Lou did their part, but I had a lot of leftover waffles.

Since then we have had salad on Sunday. It breaks my heart a little bit every week.

Girls Night Out

There are a several young mothers in my ward and occasionally we like to get together and have a girls night out. One of our friends is moving soon, so we decided that we needed to get together before she goes. We live in a very small town so anything we do is in the city about a half an hour away. When I say city I really mean bigger town! We went to Chili's to eat- it was yummy- and sat at our table and talked for three hours. Luckily our table was in the back corner because our conversation was not family friendly!

Why is it that when women get together without husbands or kids the conversation always includes pregnancy, breastfeeding, and sex? Is that the only thing interesting going on in our lives? Or is it because those seem to be universal topics that eveyone can relate to and tell a story about? It is fun to hear other people's experiences and laugh together. And I always walk away thinking that i'm not so different from everyone else- we all have trials and we all need people to relate to.

I also learned that staying out until midnight is not something my body does well anymore!

Picnic

What do we do when mom is grumpy, dinner isn't cooked and the kids are hungry and dad is out of town? Picnic in the living room while watching a movie! Grilled cheese (seems like such a cop-out, but everyone loves it), carrots, grapes, and Powerade. Happy kids- not so grumpy mom!

Sunshine

I love my little Sunshine! She always amazes me with her generosity and her tender heart. Today we had to take the 4-H sheep to the official weigh-in and get signed up in the club. When it was our turn our Buck had a tag in his ear that the officials didn't like so they took it out. I didn't see them do it but Jared and Sunshine both described it as "they just ripped it right out!" They were a little upset and his ear has a big ol' hole in it that was bloody and gross looking. Then they stuck a different tag in his other ear. Poor guy. I didn't really think about it much as we went through the drama of signing in and weighing and transporting the sheep back home- which went pretty smoothly, I think we are figuring things out. (now that I said that all hell will break loose!)

-On a side note, they served doughnuts at the weigh-in. Picture this: twenty sheep, at least fifty people, trucks driving back and forth, sheep pooping and making noise, and my kids go eat a doughnut. I thought Jared was going to come unglued with the smell and the noise and the yuck everywhere! Who serves refreshments at a livestock weigh-in? Mormons!

Anyway, about an hour later Sunshine was getting upset about something silly and I asked her what was really wrong and she broke down and just sobbed about the poor Buck's ear. She was really worried about him. Her little tender heart was sad that he had gotten hurt. She's such a sweet girl! I am worried when it comes auction time, though. I think she knows that they will be lamb chops, but hasn't really processed it yet. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there- and I'll take some kleenex!

Chasing Sheep

Sunshine is old enough to do 4-H this year and wanted to do a lamb. She has cousins who have been very successful with their lambs and had good experiences, so she was excited to try it. I, on the other hand, hear the horror stories from my sister about all the things that can go wrong with sheep and I am not so excited! It is amazing what we do for our kids in the name of teaching them responsibility and the importance of work. Sunshine does a good job getting her chores done and she is pretty responsible, but it always creates more work for me when she gets a project! Maybe I should say it creates more work for Jared:)

Anyway, we got two lambs on Saturday morning and the first thing they did when we got home was get out and we spent an hour chasing them. Sunshine threw herself in front of one of them and got trampled, but she remained in good spirits and Jared finally got a hold of one. The other one came right over once his sister was in captivity. They aren't very smart, which is a plus for us! The rest of the weekend went smoothly and I was starting to enjoy seeing them out the window and the kids have had fun petting them. Then this morning happened.

Sunshine fed them and forgot to wire the fence shut when she was done. The lambs can't get the gate open from the inside so we are assuming that our sweet lab Kobe pushed it open for them. I looked out the window to see him chasing them around the pasture. He was in heaven! Of course, Jared wasn't home. So, Sunshine and I spent forty-five minutes chasing sheep.

Eleven weeks until the livestock auction:)

Bagels

I made bagels today. I had never before thought to make my own bagels until I saw THIS post on Pinterest about making bagels. It is surprisingly easy and they tasted FABULOUS! No more stale, expensive, store bought bagels for me! I was surprised to learn that they are boiled before they are baked. Weird, but awesome:)

Jared was home today and he put the kids to work in the orchard all morning and I spent the morning in the kitchen alone, which never happens, doing dishes and making bagels. It was a really great morning- as much as I love my kids I enjoyed some quiet thinking time and being able to wash dishes without the help of Little Lou! (Her idea of a good time is a sink full of soapy water and some dishes to fill up and dump out!)I sure do love my handsome hubby and all that he does for me!

Crockpot Love

We have been married for thirteen years now and I am starting to see a disturbing trend. No, not the sagging of all things once perky on my body, or the fact that all bodily functions are no longer embarrasing to him- although both of those things are disturbing in their own rights. But what is really bothering me is that all of the small kitchen appliances that I recieved as wedding gifts are wearing out. My crockpot, toaster oven, hand mixer, waffle iron...its like a sudden mutiny of small appliances. The crockpot went first- I loved my crockpot. I may have shed some tears. It had the perfect settings, was the perfect size and fit nicely in my cupboard. I have never bought a crockpot or even shopped for one so it was a bit daunting to stand in Kohls and look at all the new options. They have more buttons and settings than I could ever hope to figure out. Sometimes with my old crockpot I would turn it on and forget to plug it in, or plug it in and then forget to turn it on. There is no way I am going to remember to program it correctly when I barely remember to plug the thing in! I searched several places and finally found a cherry red, 5 quart crockpot that only has three settings and doesn't require computer programming knowledge. It is oval instead of round so it doesn't fit in my cupboard as nice as my old one, and it is taller, so it doesn't fit on the bottom shelf of my fridge like my old one did. I am learning to love it, though. And I'm sure after thirteen years I will shed few tears for it.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Jared is finally home! It feels like a lot longer than a week that he was gone. He missed a lot in the last week. I love how the kids are so excited to see him, and him them, after an absence. I know the old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" but i've never really pondered why that is. I guess we take the familiar and everyday things for granted and when they aren't there we realize how much we really love those things. So, my pondering today has been about how to make the everyday things special EVERY day. Instead of folding the laundry and doing the dishes while the kids were occupied with a movie, I sat with them and held Little Lou and laughed at the movie with them. I took a few minutes to watch the chicks- which aren't really chicks anymore- play in their new outdoor pen and just enjoyed watching them. I don't want to look back in five years and wish that I had enjoyed this time with my kids more. I want to enjoy every moment with them, even the bad ones! They too will pass!

Community Softball

Sunshine and T-bug played their first softball games tonight. I love gathering with the community at the ball fields to cheer on our little kids who don't know which base to run to or where to throw the ball. We cheer as if they are pro's- and to us they are. Just watching my girls swing the bat, whether it connects or not, gives me a sense of pride. And living in a community where I know that everyone else is going to cheer them on no matter how well they do also makes me proud. I am proud of the people who live in this little corner of heaven for making it a safe place for our kids. It's a safe place for them to learn, to fail, to succeed, to grow. I feel very connected to this place that we have chosen to raise our kids in and I am grateful for the members of the community who make it possible to feel that way.

Vacation Blues

We spent Memorial Day weekend at my mom's house. It was a nice break from being alone with the kids- two more days until Jared gets home- and I got to see some family that I don't see very often. It really was a fun trip, but there is always some excitment when traveling with kids. This time, it was sleeping. My kids are relatively good sleepers. I am a very heavy sleeper and I don't wake up easy, or happy, so my kids learn real quick that it better be pretty important to wake mom up in the middle of the night. Sleeping at Grandma's house has not been a problem in the past but this time I let them have a little more say in where they slept. It all went downhill from there. T-bug wanted the couch because she has never gotten to sleep on the couch before. I was fine with that but Little Lou wasn't because that put her alone in the room that she and T-bug usually shared. So after much heart wrenching tantruming- I don't know if that's a word- she ended up on the floor in a room with Sunshine. Superman chose to sleep upstairs and thus avoided the drama that ensued- smart man already! Everyone went to bed happy, but T-bug woke me up at two thirty in the morning crying because she was scared and didn't want to be out there all alone. It took awhile to get her settled back down and me back to sleep. First night down, not too bad but not great.

Second night: T-bug throws a fit that she is not allowed to sleep on the couch again and doesn't want to be in the bedroom alone. Little Lou wants to sleep on the floor in the room with Sunshine again, but Sunshine isn't happy about that because Little Lou made too much noise breathing during the night. I put my foot down and let Little Lou sleep where she was and made T-bug sleep in the bedroom. Four hours later T-bug is still crying and has worked herself up into a state of hysteria. She wakes me up every half hour to tell me that she heard a noise and why can't we move Little Lou, who is sleeping soundly and breathing loudly, into the bedroom with her. Sunshine gets woken up and comes out to complain about the noise. One thirty in the morning finds me very tired and unhappy with my little T-bug. Thankfully she settles down around two and we get a little bit of sleep.

During breakfast the next morning T-bug yawns and looks at me sweetly and says "Mom, I slept good last night." Given my temperment at the time, she is lucky I brought her home with me! It may be awhile before we go anywhere overnight again!

One of the hard things about foster parenting is seeing all of the crap that kids have to go through because of the lousy choices their parents make. I struggle with the system being so careful of protecting the parents rights but not as vigilant when it comes to what is best for the kids. I know the issue can be debated endlessly and a lot of it just depends on which side you are looking at it from, but today, from my point of view, I see kids getting abused and bounced around from home to home because mom and/or dad just won't, or can't, do what it takes to make a good home for them, and the state supporting the parents instead of the kids. These kids will live with the effects of their parents choices for the rest of their lives. My small effort in changing the lives of a few of these kids seems miniscule compared to what needs to be done. But I am so lucky to be a part of it- I sure do love my kids!

Last Day of School!

I have been dreading the end of school this year. With four active kids to keep busy and keep up on school work with, I haven't been very excited. But, a couple of days ago when Little Lou said to me in a frustrated tone of voice that "it's going to be a long summer" I realized that I had said that a few too many times and I needed to change my attitude. Spending time with my kids should be some of the happiest times for me. Sometimes the special needs of some of my kids wear me out and I don't enjoy being with them, but I know that a lot of that is about my attitude and expectations and those are things that I can adjust. So I decided to start the summer off with some fun. I found this idea on the fun blog My Mix of Six. I made an end of the school basket for each kid with some fun things for the summer. Water bottles, flip flops, butterfly nets, lemonade... and a note from me telling each of them how proud I am of how much they accomplished this school year. They loved it and it was nice for them to have something fun for the first afternoon they were home. Dinner at Arctic Circle (Jared is still out of town so I can get away with that!) and s'mores at the neighbors house tonight made the day really fun. And I am excited to have eight weeks of summer fun with my kids.

Foster Parenting

Jared and I have been foster parents for three and a half years. We adopted T-bug two and half years ago. We have only had five other kids with us, including Superman and Little Lou who we currently have and hope to permanently have by the end of the year. So, only three kids so far that I have had to let go. I am not a good foster parent, I like to think that I am a good parent, but not so great as a foster parent. The focus that the state wants a foster parent to have is how to support parent and child towards a successful reunification. My focus tends more towards how to keep the child mine! Fostering is definately the hardest thing that I have ever done- even harder than the week I went with no sugar. The emotional turmoil is difficult for me, but helping my children deal with it, and helping the foster kids cope with all of the loss and anxiety that they are feeling-- some days I feel like I'm barely managing. We have had Superman and Little Lou for fifteen months now and they are both very settled and dealing better with their emotions every day, at least as well as a four and seven year old can. It is difficult for us to not know their future, but it's impossible for me to imagine their feelings of uncertainty and anxiety about their future. Little Lou doesn't really understand enough to know what the situation is, but Superman knows and asks occasionally if he is going to get to stay with us forever. We can't give him a satisfactory answer yet. Hopefully soon we will be able to. And although it is the hardest thing that I have ever done, it is also the most fullfilling thing that I have ever done. A chocolate chip cookie might taste good in the moment- and there were a lot of moments that week I would have REALLY enjoyed one!- but the first time a little boy says "I love you" and calls me mommy, or a little girl holds my cheeks and kisses my face are the moments that I will enjoy for the rest of my life.

Biking

I bought myself a bike. A cruiser with a granny seat and wide handle bars. I love it! I kind of feel like the witch in the Wizard of Oz when I am riding around town on it, though. Little Lou learned how to ride a two wheeler this Spring and it is so much fun to go for family bike rides and not have to yell over the noise of training wheels. This morning I had a couple of hours to myself and decided to go for a long ride alone. Jared left for Arizona this morning and will be gone for eight days, so I thought I would take advantage of a little alone time since it will be awhile before I get some again. The weather was perfect, a little overcast and cool, but not cold. I love the feel of the breeze and the smell of Spring. I love being able to ride without worrying who is on the wrong side of the road and who is too far ahead or too far behind. It was very rejuvinating. I went about four miles and I was tired! But, something about bike rides, or walks, by myself makes me ponder my life and the choices I have made, or have yet to make, and it's almost like meditating for me. The physical movement makes my brain more active and I always start to contemplate the direction of my life. Sometimes it is very therapeutic- sometimes depressing! Today was therapeutic. I needed a good think. I spent a few minutes on pinterst while I was waiting for Little Lou to be picked up and it really depressed me. I read some blogs about moms that do everything and looked at their fun summer plans for their kids and felt like the worst mom ever because I am dreading summer and trying to keep my kids entertained. I even e-mailed T's teacher and asked about summer school options! I didn't make fancy teacher thank you gifts and I don't have lists of activities for my kids to choose from each day all summer. I didn't create end of school baskets for each one of them to celebrate their accomplishments this school year. I didn't do their hair before they went to school today, or check if their clothes matched, and I didn't make them their own year books to take on the last day of school for all of their friends to sign. I didn't even make breakfast this morning- I left them to face the sugar and preservative breakfast served at school, and I got them there late. So in this frame of mind, I went for a bike ride. I know what you're thinking- I should spent less time on pinterest and bike riding and more time doing all those things I didn't do. I have decided that less time on pinterest might be good for my mental health. But while cruising around the neighborhood admiring all the beautiful flowers and breathing all that fresh air, I decided that I am ok. My mom read me a quote the other day that talked about doing the important things and I have thought about it a lot since then. What are the important things? Am I doing them? Maybe less time worrying about how organized my summer is and how cute my teacher thank you gifts are is in order. The important thing is that my kids teachers know how much I appreciate them and all that they have done for my kids this year- not how original and crafty my presentation is. And maybe instead of worrying about how to entertain my kids this summer I should focus on all the ways I am going to enjoy my kids this summer. Relax and let the breeze blow through my hair a little more often. Make sure that my kids know how much I love them and love being with them. That's definately one of the more important things. And while I'm cruising around town on my granny bike with my kids this summer I can concentrate on exuding Glinda the Good vibes instead of wicked witch vibes!